Monthly Archives: June 2009

Creating Boundaries (from Weebly May 18, 2009)

So…It’s been a while since I posted anything again. The reason that the title of this blog is called “Creating Boundaries” is for various reasons. The first of which is creating boundaries with myself for the things that I commit too. Like this blog. I am having a hard time writing something every day or even once a week. There are certainly lots of things to write about, this life journey has been pretty exciting–and I use that both in a positive sense and a negative sense. So, it’s not for lack of content to fill here.

I’m going to try to be brief (yes…me…brief…), but I’m going to share a couple of the things that I can put here:

1. Family – I’m not sure why family relations are so hard to maintain in a positive lite. I know it’s just not family, but I also know that the reason our family has difficulties is because of our individual processing of information that the rest just don’t seem to “get”. And if we can accept our differences–rather than trying to point them out,then family time would be much more comfortable for all. So, I’m in the process of setting up another boundary–accept me as I am.

2, My Health – I have NOT been taking care of myself properly. I am eating too much of the type of food that does not add any value to my physical being–it only adds fat. I know that this fat is a boundary in itself, but I want that boundary gone. I am strong enough to create boundaries using my personal strength of character and spirit. Enough with the excess weight! I am so…………..sick…………….. and………………. tired…………………. of ………….it!!! I am currently at my all time highest weight, by 10 lbs!!! And have hit a number that I thought I’d NEVER hit!

3. My home – I have not been taking proper care of my home either. I haven’t vacuumed in over two weeks–this wouldn’t normally be a problem but I’ve had dogs in and out with muddy feet and I have little bits of mud throughout the house. I haven’t made my bed in over a week. These are two things that I usually have a much better “control” over. Of course, in the grand scheme of things this is not the end of the world. The rest of my house is mostly tidy and clean. I guess I’ve just been focusing on what’s NOT done in my house instead of what is. The boundary issue for this is allowing my house to not be in the tidy and clean state that my boundary usually is.

That’s all for now, except to say that I may have some good news later in the week. I’ve put in for a new job position at work and hope to find out this week if I get it.

Thanks!

C.

Advertisements

Epiphany #1 (from Weebly April 30, 2009)

I know that Epiphany is supposed to happen sometime in December, but…I’m not one for following the “rules”.

My head is usually full of many ideas and thoughts and a lot of time I have trouble deciphering them, but some days I have those revelations. Over the past couple of weeks I had a couple of really big ones so thought I’d share.

The first one happened about a week ago. To tell the story you’ll need to look at the pictures below.


The first pictures has been my favorite picture of myself for a long time. I think I look so pretty and happy–probably one of the two times in my life that I looked the best I could.

The second picture was taken ten years later–what I would consider one of the worst pictures of me. It’s actually a picture I had taken that I sent in to try to win a prize of help in losing weight.


The third picture, my profile picture, was taken most recently (last summer). I like the picture, I think I look healthy, happy, too much weight, but otherwise a nice picture.  Here’s the interesting part…You’d think that in the first picture that the girl in the picture was a pretty happy girl, outgoing, easily attracting men, etc. But you couldn’t be further from the truth. The girl in both the first and second picture felt the same way about herself: “I’m fat.” “I’m unattractive.” “Why would anyone want to go out with me?” “Why would anyone want to be around me?”

In the first picture, as long as I had a drink in my hand and could be the center of attention, I could pretend that everything was okay. But let me tell you, when I woke up the next day with the hangover, shakes, and anxiety that always followed a night of binge drinking–I didn’t have a lot of nice things to say to myself.

I quit drinking about 6 years after the first picture was taken–I don’t think it was a conscious choice at the time. I was just sick of the hangovers–it always took me two days to get over them. It’s a more conscious choice now especially as I get to know myself better.

I had worries when I was younger that I was an alcoholic, because when I drank it was usually to get drunk, but I would never get to the falling down or slurring my words drunk, so I thought it was okay. I could also go days and weeks without drinking in between the parties, socials, and going to the bar. But I could count on one hand (maybe half a hand) how many times I was in a social situation without a drink in my hand. At the time this picture was taken, I had just split up for another “loser” who I wasn’t even attracted to but he was willing to go out with me so I went out with him. I needed to be validated by a man in my life–no man at the time so…no value or validation from me. I remember that I was at my best friend’s wedding social and there were no single men there–in a very small town outside Dauphin during a pouring rainstorm. If there was a single guy there I probably would have thrown myself at him.

The second picture was taken a few years after leaving my ex. I didn’t drink any longer but now had a new addiction–food. I am still in the addiction phase, but at least I’m more easily able to accept the fact of addiction. This period of time was a very difficult period of time as I was still struggling with my “identity”, I had periods of depression and anxiety and needed my family and the few friends I had to validate me. I didn’t feel attractive enough to even put myself out there for a man–there was no way a man would even want me.

I’m not saying all this to be depressing. The fact of the matter is it’s mostly good news…The picture of me at the top of the blog is, as I said, my one of my most recent pictures. I like the picture because I think it shows what I really look like and I think I look pretty happy. That’s because, a lot of the time, I am. I obviously have a long ways to go–but then I started about ten blocks back to begin with it seems. I still need validation from outside of myself from my friends, bosses, but the difference is I also get a lot of validation from myself!

Just one more reminder of how far I’ve come!A quote I heard this week from one of our ministers. I love it!

We don’t need to bring It to us–we need to bring us to It.
– Rev. Pat Zogar

How true–and I’m bring myself to It. That’s a part of what this blog is about–living/creating my best life and getting closer to Spirit in the process.
I’ll share Epiphany #2 when I get a chance.

In gratitude.

C.

Envy – A useful emotion (from Weebly April 14/09)

So…accountability starts today…

I’m on holidays this week, taking a break and trying to get caught up on sleep, etc. My iron has been really low and I have had no energy so wanted to use this week to begin taking better care of myself.

I feel the need to start with something that happened to me the other day…I had a very huge feeling of envy.

A family friend has taken a year sabbatical from work to learn French and wanted it to live in a country where French was its native language to help his learning. He had done this once before when he was in his early twenties to learn Spanish.

So, he’s working in Togo, Africa for the first three months and then going to France for the last three months of his experience. In Africa, he’s teaching the native children English. I was checking out his website the other day and had these huge feelings of envy that I was very uncomfortable about. I have worked very hard to understand that other people’s good lives do not diminish mine in any way and I am usually very happy for people who are fulfilling their dreams.

But…the picture brought back long, lost feelings of a time when I was a teenager and wanted to work all over the world helping communities, being of service. There was not just one reason why I didn’t follow this dream. It could have been others “poo-pooing” my idea, my own fears, etc. And I was feeling that my lie now has many responsibilities: my house, my pets, my job, my loans, etc.

I was telling one of the Practitioners from my church about these feelings and she reminded me that I could still live that dream by having a working holiday (that wasn’t the term she used, but it’s what’s coming to my mind right now). Her mother had apparently done a two-week stint working in a community to be of service. This was a revelation for me and I was thankful that I could one day–when the time is right–take such a holiday.

Today, however, I realized something else. When I was a teenager I had a period of mental illness–no other way to put it. I had anxiety attacks and illogical thoughts of people trying to hurt me. There really was no way that I could have left my family for an extended period of time at that juncture in my life–I was not emotionally “fit”.

Now, however, I have done so much internal “work” and am so much stronger emotionally than I have ever been in my life I know that I could take a holiday and live/exist in another culture and just revel in it.

What the lesson is for me is just remembering how far I’ve really come specifically in these last thirteen years of personal growth.

It’s validation for a lot of things that I still would like to accomplish for myself such as releasing the weight I’ve added to my body over the past 15 years (over 150 lbs), and knowing that being in a loving relationship is something that I can finally give myself over to. There are a few other “things” but these two are major for me.

Thanks for being here!

C.