I know that Epiphany is supposed to happen sometime in December, but…I’m not one for following the “rules”.
My head is usually full of many ideas and thoughts and a lot of time I have trouble deciphering them, but some days I have those revelations. Over the past couple of weeks I had a couple of really big ones so thought I’d share.
The first one happened about a week ago. To tell the story you’ll need to look at the pictures below.
The first pictures has been my favorite picture of myself for a long time. I think I look so pretty and happy–probably one of the two times in my life that I looked the best I could.
The second picture was taken ten years later–what I would consider one of the worst pictures of me. It’s actually a picture I had taken that I sent in to try to win a prize of help in losing weight.
The third picture, my profile picture, was taken most recently (last summer). I like the picture, I think I look healthy, happy, too much weight, but otherwise a nice picture. Here’s the interesting part…You’d think that in the first picture that the girl in the picture was a pretty happy girl, outgoing, easily attracting men, etc. But you couldn’t be further from the truth. The girl in both the first and second picture felt the same way about herself: “I’m fat.” “I’m unattractive.” “Why would anyone want to go out with me?” “Why would anyone want to be around me?”
In the first picture, as long as I had a drink in my hand and could be the center of attention, I could pretend that everything was okay. But let me tell you, when I woke up the next day with the hangover, shakes, and anxiety that always followed a night of binge drinking–I didn’t have a lot of nice things to say to myself.
I quit drinking about 6 years after the first picture was taken–I don’t think it was a conscious choice at the time. I was just sick of the hangovers–it always took me two days to get over them. It’s a more conscious choice now especially as I get to know myself better.
I had worries when I was younger that I was an alcoholic, because when I drank it was usually to get drunk, but I would never get to the falling down or slurring my words drunk, so I thought it was okay. I could also go days and weeks without drinking in between the parties, socials, and going to the bar. But I could count on one hand (maybe half a hand) how many times I was in a social situation without a drink in my hand. At the time this picture was taken, I had just split up for another “loser” who I wasn’t even attracted to but he was willing to go out with me so I went out with him. I needed to be validated by a man in my life–no man at the time so…no value or validation from me. I remember that I was at my best friend’s wedding social and there were no single men there–in a very small town outside Dauphin during a pouring rainstorm. If there was a single guy there I probably would have thrown myself at him.
The second picture was taken a few years after leaving my ex. I didn’t drink any longer but now had a new addiction–food. I am still in the addiction phase, but at least I’m more easily able to accept the fact of addiction. This period of time was a very difficult period of time as I was still struggling with my “identity”, I had periods of depression and anxiety and needed my family and the few friends I had to validate me. I didn’t feel attractive enough to even put myself out there for a man–there was no way a man would even want me.
I’m not saying all this to be depressing. The fact of the matter is it’s mostly good news…The picture of me at the top of the blog is, as I said, my one of my most recent pictures. I like the picture because I think it shows what I really look like and I think I look pretty happy. That’s because, a lot of the time, I am. I obviously have a long ways to go–but then I started about ten blocks back to begin with it seems. I still need validation from outside of myself from my friends, bosses, but the difference is I also get a lot of validation from myself!
Just one more reminder of how far I’ve come!A quote I heard this week from one of our ministers. I love it!
We don’t need to bring It to us–we need to bring us to It.
– Rev. Pat Zogar
How true–and I’m bring myself to It. That’s a part of what this blog is about–living/creating my best life and getting closer to Spirit in the process.
I’ll share Epiphany #2 when I get a chance.