Monthly Archives: August 2010

Epiphany

So, this morning I had another epiphany–I just LOVE that word, I much prefer it to “aha” or “lightbulb moment”.  Now, when you read this your going to go “uh, ya” like “didn’t you know that?” and I do/did know it, it just finally sunk in I guess.  Read on…

This morning I woke again, at my regular time for work and was EXHAUSTED again from another tough night tossing and turning, not being able to get my head to shut off from the nothing important thoughts whirling around my head.  I had the light on and read for a bit, but my eyes were so tired I couldn’t keep reading, then I’d toss and turn some more, open the window, turn on the fan, toss and turn, turn on the light and try reading again–this went on most of the night.  So…I had to phone in to work–again–I would be late, had insomnia again…I hate that!  So, when I finally woke up seemingly refreshed several hours later, I was amazed at how easy it was for me to get up, have breakfast, have a shower, and be at work within an hour of getting up (I do live only a 5 minutes automobile drive, or 12 minute bike ride away).  How come, I can’t do that in the morning???  And then it dawned on me–I am NEVER refreshed in the morning because of not sleeping properly.  I am going for a sleep study because I might also have sleep apnea or something that is causing me to not get a refreshing sleep within 6 – 8 hours–on the weekends I usually sleep anywhere from 11 or 12 hours a night, of course, I may just be in a huge sleep debt by then.  But, when I was on holiday, I slept mostly 10+ hours each night too.
So, here’s my epiphany, I need to do whatever I can to make sure I am asleep around 9:00pm each night.  Here comes the “uh, ya” moment.  Yes, I did know this but, I’ve just been telling myself that you need more sleep, got to go to bed–not necessarily doing much to help get to sleep.  I have had insomnia on and off for the last several years–hormones probably, the joys of aging as a woman–and I had received some natural sleep aid from a Naturpath Doctor I saw a few years ago.  would use those “sleeping pills” when I needed to.  But, I’ve always struggled with worries of needing to take them.  But, I think I do need something and I know that over-the-counter sleeping aids do not work and these are not supposed to be habit-forming.  So, I’m going to take them at 9:00pm each evening which, if they take effect like they usually do, should give me approx. 9 hours of sleep by the time I’m supposed to be getting up to get to work.  Keep a good thought for me.
Now, if you’ve been reading at all, you know that I am really in a cocooning stage in my life right now and, in some ways, I feel it’s like a rebirthing stage.  I feel like I’m learning how to really take care of myself. So, the sleeping thing is just one more way that I’m taking care of myself “appropriately”, as well as the 3 litres of water I drink a day, green tea, regular tea, etc.  I still need to eating more veg and fruit, but that’s in the works already.
Thanks for listening…
And for my 250 Word a Day challenge stats – the word count above is approx. 600!

Discover Yourself #3

This week’s Discover Yourself prompt is:

What I learned from my parents about money is…
Ahhh!  Life is very interesting…money/finances has been a huge focus of my life lately as I have been struggling, so that this question came up is VERY interesting!
My parents were both raised in “the Depression” my father, born in the late 1920’s and my mother the early 30’s–I grew up with lots of stories about how tough it was for my parent’s families.  For example, mother’s story – going to a movie cost a nickel and that nickel was hard to come by so when my mother was able to go to a movie it was such treat for her that she had to live on those memories for a long time.
For my father, life was also tough, he talked about being given a dime and having to go to the store to buy his mother cigarettes.  He also talked a lot about how he had to bike everywhere–his stories seemed to indicate he loved that though.  He would ride his bike to Lake Winnipeg (an hour’s car drive at today’s speeds) or other places in the country side–he would sleep in farmer’s fields if he got tired.  Another great story that my father had that would have us kids rolling our eyes was how he had to walk five miles to school, barefoot, in the snow, uphill, both ways!!!  ;o)
When I was growing up we did not have a lot of money, my mother went to work out of necessity when I was in grade one and that was a hard adjustment for the family as she had been home all of the time before that–my oldest brother who was 14 at the time became the surrogate parent and he was a tough task master (but I digress…). 
Just about every meal we had been based around ground beef–to this day, I am not a fan and very rarely cook with it unless it’s extra lean and there’s lots of seasoning (meat loaf), or sauce (spaghetti sauce).  We also NEVER had real milk in the house–it was too expensive–we had powdered skim milk (yuck) but none of us kids would drink it.  I was not given breakfast during the week–I don’t know why.  In fact, I didn’t realize that not having breakfast was abnormal until I was in my 20’s and was talking to a therapist about something and that came up.  She was appalled that I was sent off to school without breakfast and had to find my own lunch often too.  I asked one of my brother’s about it and he also, at almost 30, didn’t realize that there was anything wrong with not having breakfasts provided as a child.  Now, of course, I realize that was one of the reasons I had trouble in school.  I remember leaning my stomach into my desk at school, to stop the hunger pains, before lunch just about every day.
We were not able to purchase a lot of “back to school” stuff–well…certainly not the “cool” clothes because they cost too much.  So, instead of Wrangler’s I got Jack Spratt’s and instead of Nike’s I got some other no name brand.  At the time I was very hurt because I wanted to “fit in” with everyone else. 
My mother, however, always seemed to find the money to purchase what she wanted–she would take me on these shopping trips but not buy me anything and if I whined about that I was told I was ungrateful.  She would hide the purchases from my father.  This was a hard memory.
Now…after all is said and done, we did not starve, we were well provided for, and we were loved, had a LOT of fun–we just didn’t have enough for the “extras” or luxuries in life.  An “aha” moment–because of my spending habits I still don’t have room for the “extra”s or luxuries in life–hmmm.
Once my financial challenge has been worked through I AM starting to save a bit of money each payday for the passionate things I am working on in my life.  I am also going to start a “debt snowball” by starting to pay off my lowest dollar amount debts and then using that money to move up to the next dollar amount, etc. etc.
Thanks for listening as always!

Intention This Week – Faith (again/still/always)

Thanks Andrea for the reminder of the weekly intention!

Over the weekend I had some epiphanies, and what keeps coming up for me is “faith”.  Having faith that life is working the way it’s supposed to, that I’m unfolding the way I’m supposed to, that the choices I’m making in my life right now are the right ones for my future–more so than ever before!

Keep the faith!

Sacred Sunday – part doux

The second Sunday that I have spent as “Sacred Sunday” and again, my cup has been filled.  Really a very simple day but so touching and with a sense of discovery about myself.

Here’s a quick recap:
– Awake at 11:00am
– Started re-reading “An Unmistakable Touch of Grace” by Cheryl Richardson (one of my favorite authors!)
– Started reading “The Seeker’s Guide” by Elizabeth Lesser
– Talked to my good friend (and crocheted while we chatted)
– Spent some quality time on the Internet and found “Drop a Love Bomb
– I dropped a Love Bomb and was so touched by the recipient’s story–I feel that I was a part of a wonderful energy that brought a sense of connectedness to someone who really needed it.
– Wrote on and updated my blog
– Emptied about 100 e-mails from the inbox – forwarded, actioned, and deleted.  First time I’ve had 20 e-mails in my inbox in about a year!
– Listened to some beautiful meditative music while I crocheted (if I haven’t mentioned it–and I know I have ;o)–I LOVE to crochet and spend some time most days doing it)
– Talked to another good friend
– Ate well–“good” foods
– Cuddled with my dog for a while
– Cuddled with each of my cats for a bit
Sounds pretty simple but it has been a really good day.  Below are some of the “gems” I read in each of the books I mentioned above:
The Unmistakable Touch of Grace – Introduction
– Every event we experience and every person we meet has intentionally been put in our path to help raise our level of consciousness. 
– No amount of money, popularity, or success can give us the happiness and peace we all long for.  This comes from the daily rituals and practices that keep us connected to our spiritual core.
– The more I surrender my will to the Divine, the less I’ve had to worry about how to achieve anything.  Instead, the path finds me.  Grace leads me to the exact events and experiences I need at exactly the right time.
– The difficulties I faced in my relationships with men were exactly what I needed to build the solid core of self-esteem and inner strength that I would rely on to face the challenges of life.
I am open and receptive to the power of grace in my life now.  I ask to be shown clear examples of how this energy is operating in my life.  (repeat daily–many times)
The Seeker’s Guide – Chapter 2
– The first step on the spiritual path is to find a satisfying definition of the word, one that is as free from our conditioning as possible…Deconstructing the word “spiritual” is a freeing and an enlightened task, and once we start searching for the word’s meaning, we find simple hints all along the way.
Do not be idolatrous or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology.  All systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth. – Thich Nhat Hanh
– Spirituality is a long, slow process–a patient growing into wisdom.
– Inviting spirituality into your life is like packing for an adventure.  As you search for your own definition, here are some of the most important things to pack:  an openness to things you may have been conditioned to reject, a comfortableness with the unknown, and fearlessness.
– Children learn because they have no shame about being bare beginners.
Be patient to all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now.  Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.  Resolve to be always beginning–to be a beginner!”  – Rainer Maria Rilke
– I have found that no matter where my searching has taken me, it always leads me back to my need to face my own true nature…
– Opening up to the secret of our human nature, revealing to ourselves and to each other our deep and soulful longings, our fear and sadness, our joy and wonder, is the critical step on the spiritual path.  It is the step that makes the difference between living our own, real spirituality and just acquiring someone else’s beliefs.  (con’t next Sunday)
Here’s what came to me while reading these books and spending conscious time today…
– I am at a stage of cocooning and that is okay–it’s what I need to do right now.
– I want to be a “teacher” someday but right now I am a learner–at different stages in my life I have been a teacher but I feel I’m moving on to another stage and am learning.  This is also great!
– Contemplations on my “purpose” – I love research, history (how we got to where we are), archeology (research)…where this leads I don’t know now, but it’s nice to have this in writing.  A starting point maybe.
– I’m just on my path…and this is good!
– I’ve made the right choice to follow my own “Sacred Sunday’s”.
Thanks!!

Receiving Project – Day 3 – Love Bomb

Another day and another great gift.  I was reading my Sunday e-mail from Andrea at ABC Creativity and noticed that she wrote about something called Love Bomb

If you’ve been following at all, you may have noticed or felt that I’ve been doing a lot of inner work lately.  I’ve felt I needed to cocoon a bit to grow and mature in where I’m at–and this has been good for me.  One of the problems I’ve had is that I am a joiner, “pick me, pick me”, and the first person to put my  hand up if something needs doing, but I’ve not been doing that AT ALL.  I’ve kept my hands down, not offered anyone much of myself as I know that I need to focus on myself.   But…I still want to be a part of this world, help where I can so, when I saw what Love Bomb was about, I knew it was the perfect fit–a way to help people from where I’m at.  Through my computer, my words, my thoughts…
So this is a huge gift for me! 
Here’s how it works…once a week, participants are provided a “mission” someone who needs some special love, to know how important they are in the world, how much they are needed, some LOVE!!!  And we all get together and send that special person our own personal brand of love.  Simple but soooo necessary.  We live in this global world where we are so attached through technology but there are so many people who are very lonely and needing connection with the world.  We can do that!
I love this!

Receiving Project – Day 2

Day 2 of the Receiving Project and I sure am blessed!!!

If you read about Day 1 then you know that, lately, I have been having some financial struggles.  Well, today when I woke up, I noticed I had a voice mail and it was from one of my best friends.  She said she was going to be in my neighborhood later and would stop by (she lives on the other side of the city from me–30 minutes away).
 
Well…she arrived with a basket full of food for my pantry and fridge!!  I was  sooo touched. 
 
Although I didn’t expect anything, I have to say that I wasn’t surprised as this friend is the most giving person I know. I am very vocal in telling her how much I value her friendship–her sisterhood to me really–and how grateful I am to have her in my life.  We have a lot in common and she is the only one I know that I don’t have to censor myself when talking with her–I don’t worry what I say to her–I can tell her ANYTHING (and vice versa).  And she makes me laugh out loud probably more than anyone else I know.
 
She also gave me $20.00 and said she was hanging around with me for the afternoon so she could drive me to my part-time job (at 4:00pm), and gave me a bus ticket so I could get home at the end of my shift at midnight.  She had decided to drive me to my job because it was raining–normally I would have biked there and back. 

I am so lucky!!!  And I told her so.

I AM so lucky!!!  And blessed!
Thanks!!!
C.

Receiving Project – Day 1 – August 27, 2010

A few weeks back, I heard about the Receiving Project by Jo Anna Rothman and had every intention of starting it then, but, you know how it is…we get going on “life” and forget about our great intentions.  But…this week, I was reminded again, when I came across a blog of someone who is following the Receiving Project.  I was inspired to start again, but hadn’t written anything down.  And then yesterday, August 27, I felt that I received a few gifts and thought–“this is my day one for me of the Receiving Project”. 

I have been having a lot of trouble lately with feelings of lack and jealousy.  These are feelings that I’m not only uncomfortable with, but really do not wish to feel at all.  But…perhaps I need to–to get to the other side of them.
It’s really all feelings of lack that came about because earlier this year, I spent waaaaayyyy too much money that I really didn’t have and then when everything came due, even my regular living expenses, I found I was really in a financial bind.  I had to take the insurance off my car, borrow some of the money I owed from my mother (which brought its own feelings of unworthiness and immaturity).  This helped with a huge bill that was due at the beginning of August, but…I promised to pay my mother back by the end of September, so life is still financially tough.  And, I know this is my “fault”, my responsibility, so I am focusing on getting through this and learning the lessons I “should” have learned a long time ago.  This financial trouble is the latest in a long line of difficulties that I’ve had.  But, this time feels different for some reason.  I have made the decision to not take the easy way out and get another loan–get more in debt.  But to “tighten” my belt and pay as much as I can on my bills and buy groceries last–there hasn’t been any extra for anything else.  It has been tough but…I can hold my head up high because I’m making the tough decisions, contacting my creditors and making payment arrangements, following through on them, earning some extra money, etc..  I’ve had to miss some important events that I would have LOVED to go to that I also felt would  have been very HELPFUL to me, but…I had to make the “right” decision financially.
So…that is why the feelings of lack and jealousy have been with me for a while–again, I’ve been really trying to not feel that way as I know that this situation is of my own making and I will be better for it, once I’m through it–which should be shortly thankfully.
I guess that’s why I wanted to be a part of the Receiving Project, but also why I didn’t follow through with it either.
So…getting back to yesterday…I have been coming to terms with my financial situation and realizing that I’m doing the “right” thing and am going to get through this better and with more self-knowledge and self-respect.  A minister at the spiritual home I had been going to asked me if I wanted a treatment (affirmative prayer) for prosperity, I asked for a treatment for prosperity and peace of mind (I’ve also been struggling with my emotions–another story, another day).  So the treatment was and is a great gift (gift #1).  Also, I had run out of cat food and needed to borrow some money from my brother–it hurt me to ask but it wasn’t for me and I knew I could pay him back in a couple of days–he was more than happy to help as he knows how hard I’m trying and also told me that he thought I could pay it by helping him around his house (gift #2); an e-mail from one of the Director’s where I work letting me know that I was respected/appreciated (gift #3); picking up extra shifts in September from my part-time job (gift #4); the wind at my back when biking home from work (gift #5).
During all of this situation I have been trying to focus on gratitude as I know that, ultimately, I do have a great life and this is just something I need to go through right now.  For some reason, though, yesterday it all just felt like I’d turned a corner.
Thanks for listening!
C.

Wishcast Wednesday – How do you wish to spend some time?

This week’s Wishcast is How do you wish to spend some time?   As usual, Jamie Ridler has asked a perfect question that has me reaching inside to touch base with my authentic self.  I am so grateful for these weekly reminders.

I have tended in the distant and not too distant past to spend a lot of my time unconsciously–watching TV, playing computer games, eating mindlessly, and so on.
I have often made attempts to spend more of my time in consciousness, but have repeatedly gotten off course.  I am again, slowly, and with baby steps, working on creating more conscious time with myself and the world around me.  To do this I have set aside Sundays as “Sacred Sundays” (it is a beautiful description, but I cannot take credit for the name–only my intention of the day).  My intention is to spend Sundays as my one day a week away from all technology except if it is in furtherance of my spiritual path–whatever that may be.  That means, TV is off unless playing on one of the meditative music channels — The Spa for instance.  And the computer is off, unless I’m writing on my blog–which I consider very conscious thought–or research in regards to spirituality.  The rest of the day is to be spent reading some of the many (dozens, or more) books I have on the topic of spirituality, listening to meditation Cd’s in the hope of spending time meditating, and in thought.  Last Sunday was my first one and it was a great day–my cup was definitely filled!
So, to clarify my wish…I wish to spend some time (at least) in consciousness or mindfulness.  My goal is to get to the point that this is done at least every day, if not many times a day, but..as I said…I’m taking baby steps.
A quote I feel is fitting…(I LOVE quotes!!)
The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes.  – Marcel Proust
Thanks!!
C.

Discovery Journal Prompt – Discover Yourself

This week’s Discover Yourself prompt is:

Did you go to your high school prom?  Why or why not?  Any special memories?
I actually didn’t attend my high school prom.  I graduated in 1983 (Yes, 27! years ago!) and, at the time, I spent all of my time with my high school sweetheart who was two years older than me.  And we had gone to his prom in 1981.  Below is a picture of me before he picked me up for his prom.  Can you believe this???  It sure takes me back…
And here’s my “cap and gown” picture from 1983…
When I graduated, I was very proud of myself, as I had some emotional struggles in grade 11 was not able to attend school.  I took correspondence courses to keep up with my graduating class, however and made it back to my high school in the last semester of grade 12 and graduated with the rest of the students I had started school with in elementary school 11 years before. 
Nice to remember these “simpler” times…
Thanks!
C.

Intention – Keep on moving

This week’s intention for Andrea Schroeder is “movement” and that is close to what comes up for me when I think about what I want to focus on this week.  

My intention is to “keep moving”–in a physical, mental, emotional, dicovery…way. 
 
I keep moving my body to help it get stronger and stronger and healthier and healthier.  I keep moving in a mental, emotional, discovery way so that I keep moving forward, upward, onward to my best life and learning about myself in the process.
 
Last week’s intention was “trusting the process” and it was a bit of a struggle.  There’s a lot of change going on with my workplace right now and I’m not sure where I’m going to end up when all of the changes are done.  I’ll have a job, but I want to make sure that it’s meaningful work” and that it’s a challenge, rewarding, and has room for “moving”.  I had some trouble trusting this process last week and felt I had to do some things to assert/protect myself due to the changes.  I’m still not sure how it’s all going to work out, but I need to trust that it will…
 
Thanks!