A few weeks ago, I was inspired to purchase some Healing Cards which I wanted to write about each week. For the last several months (at least), I have felt that I really need to heal a lot of things about myself. To back up a bit…Over the last several years, I have done a lot of soul searching, internal work, peeling back the layers, of my thoughts, past hurts, emotions…a TON of work! I feel that in so many ways I think the way I want to think and, for the most part, believe I have a pretty positive attitude. But…physically, I seem to keep deteriorating–I know that it doesn’t make sense as the mind and body are so closely aligned, but I know that mentally and emotionally I am such a more mentally balanced person than I spent the early part of my life like.
Some of the additional notes that come with the card state that Ayurvedic tradition teaches that the main reason we get sick can be reduced to a lazy or perverse mental attitude, which leads us to ignore the basic principles of good health…Yet even though we know better, we sometimes act as if we’re not worthy of a truly healthful, supportive life, as if we don’t deserve to be taken care of…
And so I wonder, do I believe that I deserve a healthy life?
I’ve been thinking about that question for the lat 25 minutes…On many levels, the answer is “yes” I do believe I deserve to be happy. I do many things in order to try to maintain my health, I eat a lot of products that are very good for my health: bran, Omega 3, soy milk, chicken, tea, don`t add salt while cooking or eating, etc., etc. I wash my hands, keep my house clean and tidy, try to sleep as many hours as possible during the week and rest on the weekends, etc., etc.
But…all that being said, there must be some part of me who doesn`t think I deserve to be healthy, otherwise I would be more active–like I used to until my mid to late twenties. I would eat a lot better than I did–again, like I did until my mid to late twenties. So…I see a pattern there, something changed at my mid to late twenties and that was my abusive relationship, interesting that I took ownership of that relationship as mine? Let me rephrase…that was when I was in an abusive relationship. My eating and activity levels changed dramatically during that relationship. I changed to suit him…the path of least resistance. Why does that time keep haunting me? I have done so much work on processing that timeframe in my life but it appears that it till continues to have control over my life.
I guess there`s still work to do….