Ahhh! To rest…

A few weeks ago, I had a sleep study as for the last several years I am “exhausted” all the time and it has slowly gotten worse so that I feel I just don’t get enough sleep–even when I do.

I had wondered over the years if I had sleep apnea but didn’t feel that I woke up through the night.  A few years ago, one of my best friends and I were on a trip and on the second day she told me she barely slept at all because of my snoring.
My mother stays with me one weekend a month so asked her if she noticed I snored and she said, yes, but not that bad…okay, so I thought…I don’t snore that bad.
Last year, this same friend and I went away again and again my poor friend didn’t get any sleep again.  Poor thing!  I felt really bad!  She said that it’s not loud but constant and she said I would make a loud snort every few minutes.
She stays over at my place for time to time, but won’t sleep in the spare bedroom which is right next to mine, she sleeps down on the main floor on the couch because she wants a good nights sleep!  Okay, I get it, I snore…I even recorded myself one night and yes I do snore and “snort”, but it’s not loud…
So, due to that and the fact of my exhaustion and a talking with another friend with sleep apnea, I thought I should get tested.  And…I do have sleep apnea. 
Well…this is actually a huge relief to know that there is “something” wrong and it can be worked with to improve my sleep.  I’ll be getting a CPAP machine in the next week or so.  I have actually missed a lot of work due to my exhaustion–I was always too embarrassed to tell anyone at work why I missed so much time…I blamed myself for being “lazy”, “fat”, etc, etc.  Now, I know that there’s a real reason, one that has nothing to do with myself talking to me in negative terms.
I have high hopes that the sleep apnea machine will help improve the quality of my life so that I can have more energy to do the things I want to do–like walking my dog, taking courses again, keeping my house in the order I like it to be, etc.  Overall, just feeling at least “okay” when I open my eyes in the morning.
Why are we so hard on ourselves???  Why am I so hard on myself???
For every step forward I make, I see there are still more steps to go so that I may love myself for who I am.  So that I may know that I am “worthy”.
A person cannot see his or her own image in running water
but sees it in water that is at rest.
– Chungliang al Huang and Jerry Lynch
– Mentoring, the TAO of Giving and Receiving Widsom
Each day silently affirm that you are the type of person with whom you would want to spend the rest of your life.
– Bob Moawad

Thanks for “listening”, as always!


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