Breathe. Let go. And remind yourself that this very moment
is the only one you know you have for sure.
— Oprah Winfrey
This week, Jamie Ridler asks…
What do you wish to tend?
As so often it does, this week’s prompt touches me deeply in an area of my life I am in the process of working through.
As any of you who have been reading this blog know (thank you for all of your kind support and comments!), I have been going through a 12 step program for an eating disorder. So far, things are really going well and I feel like I’m making improvements and feeling physically better each and every day. However, I also have another compulsion that is emotionally draining to me. I heard this week, “It’s about the food, until it’s not.” And this is very true for me. Since food has not been an issue for me the last few weeks other concerns are coming up. I knew they would, but I thought they’d be around the food issues I have–but what’s coming up is my issues around my compulsive spending.
Okay, that was hard. I have long considered myself an independent who can take care of myself very well. I was in complete denial–I have not been taking care of myself–I’ve been barely getting by both physically and with my spending issues.
I now find myself at my “bottom” and not able to take care of the bills properly for the next couple of months because I have gotten so far behind (it’s actually worse than that but I’m not ready to put it “all out there”–this was hard enough). I know that this is a good thing (getting to my bottom) because I’m finally facing reality and seeking the help I need. The reason I’m putting this on this blog is because “you’re only as sick as your secrets” and my not being able to take care of myself properly has been a secret I’ve kept for far too long.
So…I wish to tend my compulsive behaviors by getting the help I need, trusting my God that all will be well, and finding recovery from my compulsions.
I have no idea what this will look like, but one thing I’ve learned is that people who have compulsions seem to have “control” issues so I know I need to let go and trust.
Thanks as always for listening and for your support and best “wishes”.
As I started to picture the trees in the storm, the answer began to dawn on me. The trees in the storm don’t try to stand up straight and tall and erect. They allow themselves to bend and be blown with the wind. They understand the power of letting go. Those trees and those branches that try too hard to stand up strong and straight are the ones that break. Now is not the time for you to be strong, Julia, or you, too, will break.
— Julia Butterfly Hill