My life is sliding by so fast these days and I feel like I’m missing out on soooo much. I’m still recovering from my emotional breakdown of over a year ago. I am back at work, and it’s still a struggle to get to work every day. I’ve been attending a group session regarding eating disorders–knowing that is a part of my long-standing issue of trying to “fill a hole”–how I always described it.
And then today I had an epiphany of sorts due to a blog post by Rachel Cole. So I find it fascinating and love Jamie’s Wishcast prompt, What nourishment do you wish for?. Bear with me (this post is very scattered and flight of ideas as I’m still working this out) and I’ll share my epiphany with you…which I’m still needing to journal about…
When I read Rachel’s post, the thought came to me about how the internal “feeling” (vs emotional “feeling”–although emotions come to play too) of “empty” is what I’m trying to fill with my eating too much, or shopping/spending, or excessive reading (self-help/improvement), excessive tv watching. Maybe even why I’m always “exhausted”–that I’m trying to fill “empty”. I had always described it, having heard it many times elsewhere, that I was trying to fill a hole–but could not tell you what the “hole” was. This morning when I read Rachel’s post, within the first few lines, I had that “aha” or epiphany moment. “THAT’s what I’m trying to fill, erase, eradicate, etc.–e-m-p-t-y!”
I reach for those things that are only “fillers” – like overly processed food – part food, but part ingredients that the body and soul don’t really need or can’t use effectively. I’m constantly reaching for those things because they do fill, in the short term…but I’m also continually going back for more and more because they don’t really work, but kinda do. Does that make sense??
Especially, by the end of the week, I’m E-M-P-T-Y. I’m exhausted, feeling like I need to curl up into myself and do nothing but watch tv, eat, sleep as much as possible, crafting (while I watch tv though), etc. I feel like I NEED at least one day on a weekend to do nothing but the above or I’m worse the next week–and therefore will usually miss a workday because I feel depleted. I have been blaming this on my current situation of healing from my breakdown, and that is definitely part of it, but maybe the healing can take some other forms too…
Let alone that we are constantly being bombarded with advertising that tells us “buy thing A and your life will be wonderful”, “is your life not like you want it to be?” “well, then, you need thing B”., etc. I’ve totally bought into “needing” to buy something (food, books, “things”) to “fill myself up” in trying to make my life “meaningful” and wonderful. It hasn’t worked at all, of course. I recently heard someone say “you will never possess or own any “thing” that will make you happy”. I “get” that, I have things that I love to look at, love to have in my life, but have they made my life a happy one–no.
So now the question, “What nourishment do you wish for?” Well…that’s the BIG question, and that’s what I need to journal about to really “get” it. I need to really go inside and listen to my heart, my soul, my self and find that answer.
Some things that I know will nourish me:
my new term for “exercise” – Joyful Movement
- contact with others who “get” me and can help me to heal
- journaling (I have been saying this over and over and over…)
- reading in peace (no tv)
- crafting in peace (no tv)
- a small amount of volunteering (to start)
- connection with my “self”, my spirit, my soul
And…Tea (lots of tea), and laughter (lots of that too!)
I think the big goal is to not try to fill that emptiness with “busyness” because I really believe that is just another form of trying to fill emptiness. I need real, mindful, peaceful, connection…small “tweaks” of my life, not rushing into huge change. Trusting myself to know…
Thanks so much for reading this, as I have mentioned above, I’m still working through the thinking on this. I have more work to do on this. It’s not that it’s a completely new idea–it’s just the idea of filling the “emptiness” I feel inside that is a new way of looking at this.
PS. As I am researching quotes and pictures to add to this post, I am reminded that “empty” is actually very soulful…perhaps I also need to embrace that empty feeling and see what it has to say…
And I realize the question(s) I need to ask myself constantly throughout my days is (are) “Does this nourish me, my soul?” “Does this fill me?” “Will this help the emptiness recede?” “What next action will help to satisfy the taste that emptiness causes?”
As you all wish for yourself, I truly wish for each and every one of you!!
All these things you have said of beauty.
Yet, in truth, you spoke not of her, but of needs unsatisfied,
and beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.
It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth,
but rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.
It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear,
but rather an image you see though you close your eyes
and a song you hear though you shut your ears.
It is not the sap within the furrowed bark,
nor a wing attached to a claw,
but rather a garden forever in bloom
and flock of angels forever in flight.
…beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
You are eternity and you are the mirror.
– Kahlil Gibran
I LOVE me some Kahlil Gibran!!!