Category Archives: epiphany

Wishcast Wednesday – What nourishment do you wish for?

I feel empty

My life is sliding by so fast these days and I feel like I’m missing out on soooo much.  I’m still recovering from my emotional breakdown of over a year ago.  I am back at work, and it’s still a struggle to get to work every day.  I’ve been attending a group session regarding eating disorders–knowing that is a part of my long-standing issue of trying to “fill a hole”–how I always described it.

And then today I had an epiphany of sorts due to a blog post by Rachel Cole.  So I find it fascinating and love  Jamie’s Wishcast prompt, What nourishment do you wish for?.   Bear with me (this post is very scattered and flight of ideas as I’m still working this out) and I’ll share my epiphany with you…which I’m still needing to journal about…

When I read Rachel’s post, the thought came to me about how the internal “feeling” (vs emotional “feeling”–although emotions come to play too) of “empty” is what I’m trying to fill with my eating too much, or shopping/spending, or excessive reading (self-help/improvement), excessive tv watching.  Maybe even why I’m always “exhausted”–that I’m trying to fill “empty”.  I had always described it, having heard it many times elsewhere, that I was trying to fill a hole–but could not tell you what the “hole” was.  This morning when I read Rachel’s post, within the first few lines, I had that “aha” or epiphany moment.  “THAT’s what I’m trying to fill, erase, eradicate, etc.–e-m-p-t-y!”

I reach for those things that are only “fillers” – like overly processed food – part food, but part ingredients that the body and soul don’t really need or can’t use effectively.  I’m constantly reaching for those things because they do fill, in the short term…but I’m also continually going back for more and more because they don’t really work, but kinda do.  Does that make sense?? 

Especially, by the end of the week, I’m E-M-P-T-Y.  I’m exhausted, feeling like I need to curl up into myself and do nothing but watch tv, eat, sleep as much as possible, crafting (while I watch tv though), etc.  I feel like I NEED at least one day on a weekend to do nothing but the above or I’m worse the next week–and therefore will usually miss a workday because I feel depleted.  I have been blaming this on my current situation of healing from my breakdown, and that is definitely part of it, but maybe the healing can take some other forms too…

Let alone that we are constantly being bombarded with advertising that tells us “buy thing A and your life will be wonderful”, “is your life not like you want it to be?”  “well, then, you need thing B”., etc.  I’ve totally bought into “needing” to buy something (food, books, “things”) to “fill myself up” in trying to make my life “meaningful” and wonderful.  It hasn’t worked at all, of course.  I recently heard someone say “you will never possess or own any “thing” that will make you happy”.  I “get” that, I have things that I love to look at, love to have in my life, but have they made my life a happy one–no.

So now the question, “What nourishment do you wish for?”  Well…that’s the BIG question, and that’s what I need to journal about to really “get” it.  I need to really go inside and listen to my heart, my soul, my self and find that answer.

Some things that I know will nourish me:

  • my new term for “exercise” – Joyful Movement
  • contact with others who “get” me and can help me to heal
  • journaling (I have been saying this over and over and over…)
  • reading in peace (no tv)
  • crafting in peace (no tv)
  • a small amount of volunteering (to start)
  • connection with my “self”, my spirit, my soul

And…Tea (lots of tea), and laughter (lots of that too!)

I think the big goal is to not try to fill that emptiness with “busyness” because I really believe that is just another form of trying to fill emptiness.  I need real, mindful, peaceful, connection…small “tweaks” of my life, not rushing into huge change.  Trusting myself to know…

Thanks so much for reading this, as I have mentioned above, I’m still working through the thinking on this.  I have more work to do on this.  It’s not that it’s a completely new idea–it’s just the idea of filling the “emptiness” I feel inside that is a new way of looking at this.

PS. As I am researching quotes and pictures to add to this post, I am reminded that “empty” is actually very soulful…perhaps I also need to embrace that empty feeling and see what it has to say…

And I realize the question(s) I need to ask myself constantly throughout my days is (are) “Does this nourish me, my soul?”  “Does this fill me?”  “Will this help the emptiness recede?”  “What next action will help to satisfy the taste that emptiness causes?”

As you all wish for yourself, I truly wish for each and every one of you!!

All these things you have said of beauty.
Yet, in truth, you spoke not of her, but of needs unsatisfied,
and beauty is not a need but an ecstasy.
It is not a mouth thirsting nor an empty hand stretched forth,
but rather a heart enflamed and a soul enchanted.
It is not the image you would see nor the song you would hear,
but rather an image you see though you close your eyes
and a song you hear though you shut your ears.
It is not the sap within the furrowed bark,
nor a wing attached to a claw,
but rather a garden forever in bloom
and flock of angels forever in flight.
…beauty is life when life unveils her holy face.
But you are life and you are the veil.
Beauty is eternity gazing at itself in a mirror.
You are eternity and you are the mirror.
– Kahlil Gibran

I LOVE me some Kahlil Gibran!!!

 c

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Wishcast Wednesday: What do you wish to experience?

Yes, it’s been a long while since I’ve posted here…again.  I AM doing much better but my life and brain are busy, busy, busy so haven’t had much time to post here.  I hope to catch up to the weekly Wishcast and more regular posts again very soon.

Experience is not what happens to you. 
It is what you do with what happens to you. 
– Aldous Huxley

This week, Jamie Ridler asks, What do you wish to experience?

I wish to experience:

  • a great, enduring, and easy romantic love!
  • motherhood
  • financial stability, clarity, and health
  • contentment with who I am
  • a full life
  • daily joy
  • getting back to a healthy weight (I’m getting there!)
  • less struggle, more–this is interesting, I tried to google the opposite of struggle and it is…letting go, giving in, yielding..I find that very interesting!  Okay, so more…surrendering to the process, trusting the Universe, and going with the flow!
  • more spiritual practice!

As always, thanks for “listening”, and to all of my fellow Wishcasters, and everyone else…as you wish for yourself, I also wish for you!

The soul should always stand ajar. 
Ready to welcome the ecstatic experience. 
– Emily Dickinson

C.

Epiphany

So, this morning I had another epiphany–I just LOVE that word, I much prefer it to “aha” or “lightbulb moment”.  Now, when you read this your going to go “uh, ya” like “didn’t you know that?” and I do/did know it, it just finally sunk in I guess.  Read on…

This morning I woke again, at my regular time for work and was EXHAUSTED again from another tough night tossing and turning, not being able to get my head to shut off from the nothing important thoughts whirling around my head.  I had the light on and read for a bit, but my eyes were so tired I couldn’t keep reading, then I’d toss and turn some more, open the window, turn on the fan, toss and turn, turn on the light and try reading again–this went on most of the night.  So…I had to phone in to work–again–I would be late, had insomnia again…I hate that!  So, when I finally woke up seemingly refreshed several hours later, I was amazed at how easy it was for me to get up, have breakfast, have a shower, and be at work within an hour of getting up (I do live only a 5 minutes automobile drive, or 12 minute bike ride away).  How come, I can’t do that in the morning???  And then it dawned on me–I am NEVER refreshed in the morning because of not sleeping properly.  I am going for a sleep study because I might also have sleep apnea or something that is causing me to not get a refreshing sleep within 6 – 8 hours–on the weekends I usually sleep anywhere from 11 or 12 hours a night, of course, I may just be in a huge sleep debt by then.  But, when I was on holiday, I slept mostly 10+ hours each night too.
So, here’s my epiphany, I need to do whatever I can to make sure I am asleep around 9:00pm each night.  Here comes the “uh, ya” moment.  Yes, I did know this but, I’ve just been telling myself that you need more sleep, got to go to bed–not necessarily doing much to help get to sleep.  I have had insomnia on and off for the last several years–hormones probably, the joys of aging as a woman–and I had received some natural sleep aid from a Naturpath Doctor I saw a few years ago.  would use those “sleeping pills” when I needed to.  But, I’ve always struggled with worries of needing to take them.  But, I think I do need something and I know that over-the-counter sleeping aids do not work and these are not supposed to be habit-forming.  So, I’m going to take them at 9:00pm each evening which, if they take effect like they usually do, should give me approx. 9 hours of sleep by the time I’m supposed to be getting up to get to work.  Keep a good thought for me.
Now, if you’ve been reading at all, you know that I am really in a cocooning stage in my life right now and, in some ways, I feel it’s like a rebirthing stage.  I feel like I’m learning how to really take care of myself. So, the sleeping thing is just one more way that I’m taking care of myself “appropriately”, as well as the 3 litres of water I drink a day, green tea, regular tea, etc.  I still need to eating more veg and fruit, but that’s in the works already.
Thanks for listening…
And for my 250 Word a Day challenge stats – the word count above is approx. 600!

Epiphany #1 (from Weebly April 30, 2009)

I know that Epiphany is supposed to happen sometime in December, but…I’m not one for following the “rules”.

My head is usually full of many ideas and thoughts and a lot of time I have trouble deciphering them, but some days I have those revelations. Over the past couple of weeks I had a couple of really big ones so thought I’d share.

The first one happened about a week ago. To tell the story you’ll need to look at the pictures below.


The first pictures has been my favorite picture of myself for a long time. I think I look so pretty and happy–probably one of the two times in my life that I looked the best I could.

The second picture was taken ten years later–what I would consider one of the worst pictures of me. It’s actually a picture I had taken that I sent in to try to win a prize of help in losing weight.


The third picture, my profile picture, was taken most recently (last summer). I like the picture, I think I look healthy, happy, too much weight, but otherwise a nice picture.  Here’s the interesting part…You’d think that in the first picture that the girl in the picture was a pretty happy girl, outgoing, easily attracting men, etc. But you couldn’t be further from the truth. The girl in both the first and second picture felt the same way about herself: “I’m fat.” “I’m unattractive.” “Why would anyone want to go out with me?” “Why would anyone want to be around me?”

In the first picture, as long as I had a drink in my hand and could be the center of attention, I could pretend that everything was okay. But let me tell you, when I woke up the next day with the hangover, shakes, and anxiety that always followed a night of binge drinking–I didn’t have a lot of nice things to say to myself.

I quit drinking about 6 years after the first picture was taken–I don’t think it was a conscious choice at the time. I was just sick of the hangovers–it always took me two days to get over them. It’s a more conscious choice now especially as I get to know myself better.

I had worries when I was younger that I was an alcoholic, because when I drank it was usually to get drunk, but I would never get to the falling down or slurring my words drunk, so I thought it was okay. I could also go days and weeks without drinking in between the parties, socials, and going to the bar. But I could count on one hand (maybe half a hand) how many times I was in a social situation without a drink in my hand. At the time this picture was taken, I had just split up for another “loser” who I wasn’t even attracted to but he was willing to go out with me so I went out with him. I needed to be validated by a man in my life–no man at the time so…no value or validation from me. I remember that I was at my best friend’s wedding social and there were no single men there–in a very small town outside Dauphin during a pouring rainstorm. If there was a single guy there I probably would have thrown myself at him.

The second picture was taken a few years after leaving my ex. I didn’t drink any longer but now had a new addiction–food. I am still in the addiction phase, but at least I’m more easily able to accept the fact of addiction. This period of time was a very difficult period of time as I was still struggling with my “identity”, I had periods of depression and anxiety and needed my family and the few friends I had to validate me. I didn’t feel attractive enough to even put myself out there for a man–there was no way a man would even want me.

I’m not saying all this to be depressing. The fact of the matter is it’s mostly good news…The picture of me at the top of the blog is, as I said, my one of my most recent pictures. I like the picture because I think it shows what I really look like and I think I look pretty happy. That’s because, a lot of the time, I am. I obviously have a long ways to go–but then I started about ten blocks back to begin with it seems. I still need validation from outside of myself from my friends, bosses, but the difference is I also get a lot of validation from myself!

Just one more reminder of how far I’ve come!A quote I heard this week from one of our ministers. I love it!

We don’t need to bring It to us–we need to bring us to It.
– Rev. Pat Zogar

How true–and I’m bring myself to It. That’s a part of what this blog is about–living/creating my best life and getting closer to Spirit in the process.
I’ll share Epiphany #2 when I get a chance.

In gratitude.

C.