Category Archives: random

So much to learn…

th2VL1D4S2

I have taken a very long hiatus from my blog.  I had so much work to do on myself that I feel I didn’t have anything to put out into the world.  A LOT has changed since I last have really posted–2.5 years ago!!

Starting from September of 2012–I sold my house, lived with one friend for a year, then another friend for another year, finally found a job close to where I wanted to live, officially moved to a rural setting, started another job closer to where I now lived, and living all of a life that goes in between all of those changes.

When I last wrote anything (December of 2013), I was off of work due to a leg injury and had not officially moved to the rural town I now live in.  I was working in the city during the week and driving back every weekend to the town I had moved 90% of my belongings to.

In November of 2014, I quit my job in the city, officially moved and started my “new” life.

It still has not been easy, I’ve had a few minor physical issues that have set me back here and there (that I have already dealt with or am in the process of dealing with).  Just because you change location and jobs, etc., you still take “you” with you.  And, therefore, am still working through some depression and anxiety issues (that have been a lifelong issue really) that are improving as I learn more and more about self-care, self-love, self-respect, just “self”.  I am also in the midst of DIY projects that are going to take probably up to 10 years (depending on time and finances), and my many, many, many other craft/artistic projects that I always have on the go.

Lately, I find myself with actually having feelings of happiness…this is the first in a very, very long time.  Especially after my last (having had 2 previous ones earlier in life) “break down”–although it was my “break down” that led me to start looking at where my life needed to change.  The first major change that I knew I NEEDED to do was to be surrounded more closely by nature and to not see so much concrete, to not smell so many city smells (cigarette smoke, exhaust fumes, etc.), and to be near water–I consider myself a water-baby, I could sit and stare at a body of water for hours and feel so at ease.

Spring has finally reached us here (fingers-crossed) in the prairies of Canada, although we have had teases of beautiful weather since the end of February.  The “official start to summer” here in Canada, certainly Manitoba, is the May long weekend which is upon us in the next couple of days.

I’ve had a chance to spend time outside in the yard, working on my new raised garden, planning what plants and vegetables I’m going to put in the new garden as well as a couple of other gardens I have in the back yard.  Even getting a chance to go out and just rake the winter off of the grass was wonderful.

I’ve also taken some time to do some work down at my cabin recently.  The cabin was left empty for many, many years and is definately showing some wear and tear and there is much evidence of mice in the cabin so I have quite a bit of work to do on it, but am so looking forward to the time spent in nature–it’s in a very rural place, on a lake, and is a very rustic building.  It’s small but cozy and I know I can make it into a sanctuary for me to spend my weekends at during the warmer seasons.

Also, in the past couple of years, I have done a lot of soul/self work (that continues, I think, for a lifetime).  Specifically for me, it is that learning to love myself as I am–a “fat” woman in a society which is definitely anti-fat and very discriminated against people of size.  So, I am slowly learning to love my body as it is–yes, I still wish it was smaller, but more importantly, I want it to be HEALTHY.  And I know I can work on that, no matter what size I am.

I certainly have more to learn, but I hope to start sharing some of what I am still learning along this journey of mine…thanks for joining me on this journey.

th

Advertisements

Kickin’ It Old Skool – Day 9 – Favorite Movies

Today at KIOS we are sharing our favorite movies.

This is a great idea!  I get to see what movies others have seen and see if there are any similarities to my favorite movies.

Here’s a list of my favorite movies… not in particular order:

1. Forest Gump – There was just something about this movie that I just loved.  It was a feel good movie in that Forest has some wonderful things happen in  his life.  I also loved how they wove Forest’s stories in history that was happening in the era the movie was representing.  It was also a very bittersweet movie as the ending wasn’t quite as happy as it could be.

2. It’s a Wonderful Life – I’ve watched this movie just about every year since I was a teenager.  I think so many of us would like to see how our choices affect our life–to be able to see the difference is unreal.  The ending of this movie hits me in my heart every time.  “To my brother George Bailey, the richest man in Bedford Falls!”.  Rich because he realizes just how many lives he has touched in a great way.  And I love it when the bell rings and Suzu says that an angel has gotten its wings.

3.  Die Hard – The first one.  I still remember how, when I watched this movie when it first came out, I was jumping all over the couch, sitting on it’s back…I couldn’t sit still just waiting to see what would happen next.  I found it so exciting!

4. Terminator – Also, so excited and nervous watching this movie, not knowing what was going to happen next.  The idea of the future coming back to the present time.  And then when the movie was over trying to wrap my brain around the idea of how John sent his father back through time to create him (John).  I couldn’t figure out when the “first” time was…wouldn’t it happen over and over???  Plus, I thought, great acting and action.

5. Ocean’s Eleven – Well…could be Brad Pitt, could be George Clooney–or both!  It was also the bad guys getting it in the end.  🙂

6. Harry Potter – all of them!  The acting was supreme and the way the movie so correlated to the books (which I have read time and time again) just put me into the feeling of the books–really brought the characters to life.

7.  Auntie Mame – It was a favorite when I first saw it as a teenager–my mom and I used to watch old movies together, movies from her era and I loved every minute of it.  I recently saw this one again and still found it enjoyable.

8.  Pretty Woman – I’m not usually a great fan of the “old romantic” movies, but this one really touched me.  I really love it when the good guys win!

9. New Iron Man series – I really love Robert Downey Jr. and his acting, but this story line was cool and I really enjoyed it.

10. New Sherlock series – Also because of Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law, but the cinematography was outstanding as well!

I probably forgot one or two but I think this is still a pretty comprehensive list of my favorites.

What are your favorite movies?

Kickin’ It Old Skool – Share Your First Blog

Today at Kickin’ It Old Skool we are sharing our first blog and post.

Hmmm….where is that password again…it’s been a couple of years since I used that blog at blogger.com…

Oh ya…Okay, heeeerrrreeee’ssss Ceanne’s Best Life blog and the first post…

Friday, May 22, 2009

What this blog is all about

So, I’m on this journey of growing into my best life, or creating my best life. This includes my physical health, my spiritual practice, as well as my random thoughts as I take this wonderful trip of life.
I’m starting this web journal to help myself be accountable and to share if anyone is interested. If there is anyone “out there” who “gets” anything from what I write, I hope they share their thoughts and comments with me.
A little about myself…I’m 44, a female, who started a process of getting to know myself after a breakup of a tumultuous relationship–the catalyst. I realized that I had chosen that relationship and stayed with it for so long because I had no sense of confidence in who I was. I had stayed when I knew it wasn’t good, I moved across the country when I knew it was NOT the right thing to do–left my family and everything I knew to be with someone who didn’t know how to treat me well.
I changed a lot in the course of that relationship, and when I finally reached the point that I KNEW I had to leave–for myself–I didn’t know who Ceanne was any longer. The party girl was gone, what remained was a scared, lonely person. I knew i couldn’t go back, but where to go??
That was, believe it or not, 13 years ago. Since then I’ve created a partial life, not quite what I envisioned when I was growing up–but then I’m STILL growing up.
I didn’t think I’d start by writing about my past as I don’t really spend too much time looking backwards any longer, but I read that you need to know where you are to know where you’re going, so…
My priorities…
 A week ago, a Practitioner at my church had me do some homework as I had asked for a Spiritual Mind Treatment for “easy sleep that rejuvenates me” and “motivation to move my body more”.
A recurring theme in my life is not living my priorities so she asked me to list my top 10 priorities and then track, for a week, where I spend my time”. I have my list of priorities, they are: (in no particular order)
  1. My house – Keeping it clean, organized, keeping things in good working order, get rid of “tolerations” (definition below), garden, etc.
  2. My “Babies” – My pets. I have a dog and 2 cats that need love, food, attention. And the dog needs to be walked regularly.
  3. Crafts/Creativity – I love creating things through crochet, knitting, coloring, beading, etc., etc. Just LOVE making things with my own two hands.
  4. Work – Being organized, enjoying what I do, getting good sleep so can be most effective and clear thinking, being on time.
  5. Reading – I LOVE to read. My spiritual practice, fiction, personal growth/health, etc.
  6. Friends and Family – Talking with them (spending time with them), Facebook, church, etc.
  7. Spiritual Practice – Prayer, church, reading, classes, etc.
  8. My health – Physical movement, nutrition, sleep, reading/learning, etc.
  9. My volunteer work – Leadership committee, church, library, work activities/committee involvement.
  10. Love – Finding love with a man. The following phrase is something I heard a woman describe her relationship with her husband as–and I loved it, so am copying it. “Holy, juicy, monogamous, loving” and I add friendly. I want someone to look at me with passion and love again–it’s been a long time and I miss it.

* Tolerations are those things you often let slide but every time you see/hear them you say “I should do something with that.” eg. a leaking tap, ugly carpeting that will be expensive to change, strange noise coming from your fridge, etc.

I’m going to end now because I’ve already wrote more than I originally thought I would and I’m using my Eee which has an amazingly small keyboard that I’m “tolerating” typing on.

TTFN Ceanne April 17, 2009

 Hmmm…not much has changed, but here’s what has:

  1. I’m older 🙂
  2. I no longer belong to the spiritual community I did then as there was what I considered to be a lack of moral leadership.
  3. I no longer type on an Eee (I forgot I even had that thing–a very mini laptop)
  4. I had to curtail my volunteering a couple of years ago when I had an emotional setback.  I am looking for a place that I can be of service and will “fill my cup” as well, but with moving recently and leg injury it’s been put off.
  5. I used to be involved in a lot more things on my blog.  Part of it was the changeover to WordPress, which I am very happy with except that I do have troubles with buttons on it and then also I didn’t want it to be a “busy” as my blogger blog.
  6. For some reason, I thought I had started a blog earlier than 2009…but can’t find it.

What did your first blog look like?

c.

Wishcast Wednesday – How do you wish to grow?

Growth begins when we begin to accept our weaknesses. – Jean Vanier

It’s been a looooong while since I’ve posted for Wishcast Wednesday and I’m very happy to be answering Jamie Ridler’s Wishcast question this week.

How do you wish to grow?

I have barely posted on my blog over the last several months as I’ve been having a very difficult emotional time due to an emotional breakdown at the end of last year. The last several months have been difficult and I have not wanted to share my doubts, fears, and how badly I was really doing. I still have a far way to go, but am slowly getting a bit better and will finally be returning to work in the next several weeks. This brings with it new fears and anxieties but also potential for more personal and career growth.

So how I wish to grow is…

– emotional strength
– knowing that all is well, as I heard Alannis Morrisette say on tv once – “your boat is safe, you will not sink”
– spiritually, in faith, trusting
– in learning about my new job and being the best I can be in it
– in having a full, productive, lovely life that energizes me to continue to live my full, productive, lovely life!

All the very best fellow Wishcasters – as you each wish for yourself, I also wish for you!

Change and growth take place when a person has risked [himself] and dares to become involved and experimenting with [his] own life. – Herbert A. Otto

A little rain fall…

I’ve been debating updating my blog for many, many months.  And…of course the story to be told is my recent and current journey with mental illness, which is what has stopped me from sharing.  I don’t want to be thought of or even think of myself as mentally unwell.

But I think the time has come to open up a bit and let some people into my story…so here goes…

On a normal day near the end of December of last year, I came home from work for lunch and my life completely changed.  For several years and months stress had been accumulating in my mind and body and I guess I just didn’t have a way to dissipate it.  I had what I consider (and my specialists too) an emotional breakdown.  For a period of a few hours I could not stop crying, could barely talk except for a few words (“I don’t know what to do” and “I need help”).  I managed to contact one of my best friends and she came over and got a crisis phone line to assist me to calm me down.  I felt done in, I felt my body and my mind had let me down (or I had let them down…).  I was exhausted, so very cold, and my mind would not stop racing (“What am I going to do?” “What is happening to me?”).  The next day I got in to see my physician who put me of work for at least 3 months–5 months later I’m still off work (but more about that later).

I was terrified because I had no idea what would happen during this time away from my regular schedule.  At first, I slept–long nights of sleep (medically aided at first) for 10 to 12 hours each night for about a month and a half before I felt any kind of refreshment when I woke up.  I stopped myself from thinking anything scary — which helped me live in a bubble for a while that everything was okay — and I filled my days with doing work around my house (painted my living room, painted my china cabinet, painted my kitchen, cleaned, etc.)  I also spent a lot of days without the energy to do anything at all–wake up, crawl down to the lazy girl chair, turn on tv, veg, crawl back upstairs, go to bed.  My energy was lower than it had been in a long, long time.  And that is even after losing 75lbs.  Things that would previously taken me a day or two (like painting my living room) took over a week–I did it one wall at a time, with days off to rest in between.

I had to fill out more forms than I can ever remember filling out for anything before–work insurance, loan and mortgage insurance, claim forms, EI insurance, etc.

I was referred to a psychiatrist who, in my opinion, is the worst doctor of any kind I have ever seen.  The fact that he’s a psychiatrist and deals with mentally unwell people is scary as he did not want to hear anything but yes and no answers to his questions and anytime I tried to elaborate he’d respond with “whatever” or “I didn’t ask you that” or “I don’t need to know that”.  At one point he told me, “I’m not here to deal with feelings, I’m just here for prescriptions and paperwork”.  I’ve asked for a new referral and am just waiting to hear from them.  I would have stopped going completely but the insurance companies needed their paperwork done.  I left his office feeling worse than I did when I came in and would cry all the way home.

My work insurance provided a “work health solution expert” which also managed to cause me great anxiety by underlying threats of losing my job or being cut off from my insurance.

And my loan and mortgage insurance was denied because they felt I wasn’t totally disabled and could work somewhere else even though my doctor had put me off work…still appealing that one.

So there has been a lot of stress already added onto my situation by the very people and companies who I expected support from.

It hasn’t all been bad though.

I’m lucky to have some wonderful friends nd family who check in with me often with phone calls, e-mails, and texts.  I’ve had people provide me with money or gift cards for groceries, gas, some bills.  Some I am paying back, some were gifts that I am so grateful for.

I have a union representative that is so much on my side it can be scary with the letters she writes to people requesting better care.

My mom has been a blessing, she has either come to my city or helped me go to her house when I really, really needed her.  And she calls me constantly with words of love and support or just to listen to me cry about how scared I am about the future and how I don’t know what to expect.

One of my best friends has helped me find a fabulous therapist who is helping me holistically (physically, emotionally, spiritually) which is what I really feel I need.  I have felt so disconnected.

My dog–what can I say…anyone who has a dog just knows what I mean without saying anything.  She cheers me up just to look at her, she looks at me with love and she is great at licking away the tears.  I also have cats which love to be hugged and cuddled.

This post is going on longer than I originally thought…

So…to present(ish) day…the depression seems to be lifting, but I have been having a very, very hard time with anxiety and panic the last few weeks.  I realize it’s because there is now a definite time frame of when I’m heading back to work (gradually), which is about a month from now.  I’m going to be working at a completely new building, in a completely new area of town from where I have been working (which means commuting time and cost I haven’t had for a very long time), a completely new job (at my same level of pay), new coworkers, new boss, etc., etc.  When I think about it I start to panic, but I’m trying to reframe my internal words to positive–I’ll have new opportunities for personal and career growth that I haven’t had in a long time, I’ll be able to meet new people, gain new friends, be a different part of town and experience new things, if I commute the whole way I may be able to take the time to listen to more books on tape than I used to/or read, etc.

I have also been panicking about my financial situation (the first three months were at less than 50% take home, and it’s just this month that I received my first full work insurance cheque), all of my household bills were waaaayyy behind and I was starting to be very concerned about losing my home.  The other day I received a call from the company that holds my mortgage, it seems the bank I deal with contacted them to let them know about my financial situation and dealing with the loan and mortgage insurance being denied.  The company offered me what works out to an approximate 5 month reprieve on my mortgage payments to help me get back on my feet.  The gratitude and relief I felt was overwhelming and I cried for many hours afterwards…

So…here’s where I’m at today.  Still scared, still on the edge of panic, but taking deep breaths to calm down.  When I wake up in the morning I feel like I’m free-falling (I don’t know what to do first).  I try to keep myself busy.  I’m trying to keep optimistic about the future.  I’m making small plans here and there to meet with friends, learning to quilt, book club, working on crafts that I’m selling through a mommy’s website that a friend found for me, getting outside a bit (not enough yet), and going to my appointments.

I know that I’m slowly healing.  I also know I have no idea what the future holds, and I never will.  I’m working on realizing that I can only think about today and the choices that I’m making today (positive and negative) will affect my future.  I’m working on “trusting the process”, in this I’m thinking the Divine process–God’s got a plan for me, I’m sure of it.

And taking a LOT of deep breaths…

Before and during (pics)

I’ve been on this particular journey to recoverying from compulsive overeating since March of this year.  I’ve made significant changes in my eating lifestyle and have cut out foods that are not good for me and that cause a reaction of wanting more (and more and more and more…).  I am still getting my energy back after carrying around an extra 150+ lbs from my "normal" weight for my height and what I used to weigh in my adult life (until my 30’s).

Although I still have  along way to go emotionally and physically to be where I hope to be–when I get there, hopefully I’ll know ;o)–I wanted to share my journey so far with pictures of what I looked like when I started and what I look like now at 55 lbs down.

 I know that it’s not a HUGE difference, but this is the least I’ve weighed since my father passed away over 8 years ago!  And it’s easier and easier to move this body around in the world and fit into spaces that are meant for "normal" people.

Pictures in green shirt taken shortly after I started Overeater’s Anonymous and MFP, the second pictures, in the orange tye-dye, were taken last week:

 

 

sexy power

power

Who are you–really?

It’s been a few months since I’ve written anything on my blog–it was never very far from my mind, But with my starting OA (Overeater’s Anonymous), my mind has just been elsewhere (which it needed to be), and I didn’t have much to share with the great wide universe in writing–I sure shared a lot emotionally and spiritually. ;o)

We become more certain of ourselves
as our authenticity emerges.
– Sarah Ban Breathnach

I was on Facebook yesterday and came across this question from TED’s website, What is your greatest passion and how have you been able to develop and sustain it? This got me to thinking, “what am I passionate about?” I did reply to the question–my creativity and learning/self-discovery are the two things that I believe are a part of my everyday life; because that is who I am. I can’t imagine being on this planet and not having those in my life–I just wouldn’t be me, I believe. Now, I know that there’s so much more to me than just these two traits or characteristics, but these are core to who Ceanne really is.

This is what I wrote: ” I first saw this conversation yesterday so have had time to think of what I would answer. I thought my answer would be about my creativity–I love to dabble in a LOT of forms of creativity: crochet, knitting, painting, cross-stitch, decorating, collaging, etc., etc. I spend time in most days doing some form of creativity. My job is very administration based, paperwork, research, etc. and my logical brain needs to do that too…But, the one thing that is constant in my life is learning–whether it be through conversations with others, self-discovery, reading, journalling, education, etc., I LOVE learning. I know I’m on a journey… “

While I was reading other’s posts to the question above, on TED, I came across a quote that I have paraphrased into my own (ie. I “borrowed” it, and changed it, a bit)–What you’re passionate about is not just something you do, or accomplish; it’s about who you really are. And…I thought I’d share with others because I really think this is such an important thing for all of us to know–when we are being truly ourselves, we are living the life we’re “meant” to–living our purpose. And that is not just a great thing for ourselves, but it’s a great thing for the planet too!

What are you passionate about–who are you REALLY?

Home

I was reading through some of my old journals the other day–trying to find a quote by Mary J. Blige that I had written down – “I blame my mother for nothing, but I forgive her everything.” I might write about that quote another time but today I thought I’d share something I wrote about “Home” from January, 2002, shortly after I purchased my first house by myself. It is mostly about my first house that I purchased with my partner at the time–in 1993.

Home – In every place I have lived I have always tried to create a home–a place where I could relax fully, where I was surrounded by things I love (heirlooms, pets, people, things I think are beautiful or useful). A place where I could be happy just being me. A place where others could be comfortable too. My first house, I loved because it was my only place–it had all of my worldly goods in it and all of my love went in it. I tried to make it comfortable–and it was.

I loved just sitting and staring out the window into the trees, watching the blue jays at the feeder and listening to their squeak (one of my favorite sounds). I loved the view from my kitchen window of the Cape Breton Highlands and St. Anne’s Bay. On foggy days I felt like I was in the world alone and I was both afraid and intrigued by that feeling.

I loved to watch Cochise (my Chesapeake Bay Retriever who passed away shortly before I left) saunter past me, looking at me, with a shoe in his mouth knowing he was trying to get my attention–he knew he was not supposed to have shoes in his mouth. I loved waking up with Tinka (my cat at the time) sleeping on my hip.

It was a good home and I have a lot of good memories there. I try to keep those foremost in my mind because that haven was also a little bit of hell to me. When Jim was around, I felt trapped and uncomfortable. I never knew what would set him off or when he would yell at me, or for what. It could be months of fun and laughter and love and then one day, one moment, could cloud my life so completely that I felt I couldn’t breathe. After a while, I realized I was more tied to the house (my home) that to Jim but I could not leave my life there. It was a place of infinite peace when he was not around. Finally, I knew the only way I was ever going to be free of him was to leave my home. I had to leave my home first before I could leave Jim–within two months I was strong enough to do so.

I think of that house a lot. I miss it still. I had a lot of firsts there. And of course the beautiful scenery of the Canadian East Coast–Englishtown, Nova Scotia. Thankfully I have pictures and my memories.

The most important thing about having a home is having a safe haven. That’s what I’m trying to create for myself in this home. I may hot have the beautiful scenery of Cape Breton (I moved back to my home province of Manitoba) but I can create a beautiful landscape–a place I can take pride in because I have created and am creating a home for myself where there is no one who can make me feel trapped or scared again.

And I don’t have to leave this place unless I want to.

When I read this, it struck me for a few reasons–first of all, I didn’t even realize it was my writing until I got to the part about Cape Breton. Secondly, is that I still am working on creating that safe haven for myself in my home, but more importantly in myself.

That safe haven can’t be hurt or scared unless I chose–and I don’t for the most part. I still have a way to go, but I’m still going forward. And, no matter where I am, I will create home.

Here’s some beautiful pictures of Cape Breton and Nova Scotia. If you ever get a chance to visit there, I highly recommend it. You will find some of the most beautiful scenery in the world (yes, that’s right…the world!!) and the most friendly people ever!

C.

We Create What we Focus On

Hi everyone,

It’s really been a long time since I’ve written anything. I, unfortunately, got stuck in a severe rut of self-doubt, exhaustion, anxiety, self-pity, and many other feelings of lack. I will need to look at the reasons why I have been, or put myself into, the type of situation that seems to bring out these types of feelings–it revolves around a certain type of person who seems to stifle me. Be it in a job, in a relationship, or other situation, every time I think I’ve dealt with why, and feel I’m a stronger person and ready to “take on” this type of person, I always, slowly, seem to fall back into a place of cocooning–shutting down and out.

My intent to write today is not due to the above because I’m really sick of that focus–on the “negative”–I want to focus on the positive! And create more of that in my life!

I’m changing my focus on the fact that I feel I’m getting back on track again and feeling pretty good overall. I still have a way to go…and I still have personal development/growth that I’m focusing on, but I feel like I’m moving forward, upward, onward!!!

I intend to write here more often, and try to grow the blog into some…thing…

I’m not sure what yet, but I’m going to take a class on “developing your own website”, and… looking at other blogs, and other creative people, I feel I have something to offer. I did a bit of redesigning the look of the blog page today and I’m liking the new look! What do you think?

I’m excited for my future, tomorrow, the next day, and the next…what great thing does God/Spirit/Presence have in store for me? What great thing will I accomplish next?

Bring it on (gently please)! I can!

(And if I haven’t already mentioned it…Yes!…I do LOVE exclamation marks!!)
C.