Tag Archives: self-love

Wishcast Wednesday – What burden to you wish to put down?

Wishcast Wednesday again and this week, Jamie Ridler asks…

What burden to you wish to put down?

This wish prompt makes me want to just sit right down and sob.  I didn’t realize how burdened I felt until I read this prompt.
I think that I try so much to be optimistic and positive and I try to think of my issues in a positive light that they will soon be gone.  I do positive affirmations, positive thinking and yet I know that I still carry a lot of “stuff”.
Of course, I wish to let go of the burden of my “stuff”, but I also know that I am a work in progress and that the “stuff” is full of lessons that I have not learned yet and issues I need to work through.
I have one specific burden that weighs heavier and is more painful than the others; that is the burden of the pain, heartbreak, fear, and self-recriminations that is the residue of an abusive relationship.
I wish to put down and walk away from the burden of thinking I could have changed anything about that situation.  That I could have changed how I responded or how he treated me.  That I could have or should have left earlier than I did.  That I let him change me. 
I think I have been holding onto these self-loathing thoughts for too long–it’s time to let them go.
You did what you knew, now that you know better, you’ll do better.
– Maya Angelou/OprahIt’s never too late–in fiction or in life–to reivise.  – Nancy Thayer

Thank you!As you all wish for yourself, I so truly and sincerly wish for all of you!

How do you talk to yourself?

This video was forwarded to me from Jamie Ridler in her weekly post, but I had to share it too because it shows how I would like to speak to myself when I look in the mirror.

Wishcast Wednesday – What do you wish to send some love?

Jamie Ridler’s Wishcast Wednesday prompt this week is Where do you wish to send some love?

I’ve actually been thinking a lot about love the last few days–my ability to give it where I see it needed, and my struggle to accept it for myself or give it to myself.

I do love myself, but I know that I don’t always talk to myself in a loving manner.  I also am good at seeing where people need things from me and offering, a lot of times without being asked.  What I noticed is that there are very few people who do that for me.  I’m not sure if it’s because I am outwardly so independent or if I have a vibe or “leave me be”.  I’m sure those reasons could be part of the reason.  I really do hate to ask for help–to feel helpless.  But I have often had to ask for help from my family lately, especially in regards to my finances–which also makes me feel less independent.  Hmmm, perhaps I’m manifesting something in order to be less independent???  Have to think about that…

But, I have digressed…I wish to send some love:

  • to myself, to know that I’m on a journey of self-awareness that is leading me to be my best self–and that, right now, I’m the best me I can be.  And…as I continue on my journey, I will always be in the perfect place I need to be to continue to grow.
  • to my family, for always being there when I really need them.
  • to the friends I have who know me well enough to offer me what they see I need–support, love, etc.
  • to this great community of Wishcasters who are all on a perfect journey of their own
  • to Jamie Ridler for starting this wonderful community
  • to Spirit for this life journey of self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-love and to sharing awareness, acceptance, and love with others
  • to…whomever needs it

Thank you!

C.

Epiphany #1 (from Weebly April 30, 2009)

I know that Epiphany is supposed to happen sometime in December, but…I’m not one for following the “rules”.

My head is usually full of many ideas and thoughts and a lot of time I have trouble deciphering them, but some days I have those revelations. Over the past couple of weeks I had a couple of really big ones so thought I’d share.

The first one happened about a week ago. To tell the story you’ll need to look at the pictures below.


The first pictures has been my favorite picture of myself for a long time. I think I look so pretty and happy–probably one of the two times in my life that I looked the best I could.

The second picture was taken ten years later–what I would consider one of the worst pictures of me. It’s actually a picture I had taken that I sent in to try to win a prize of help in losing weight.


The third picture, my profile picture, was taken most recently (last summer). I like the picture, I think I look healthy, happy, too much weight, but otherwise a nice picture.  Here’s the interesting part…You’d think that in the first picture that the girl in the picture was a pretty happy girl, outgoing, easily attracting men, etc. But you couldn’t be further from the truth. The girl in both the first and second picture felt the same way about herself: “I’m fat.” “I’m unattractive.” “Why would anyone want to go out with me?” “Why would anyone want to be around me?”

In the first picture, as long as I had a drink in my hand and could be the center of attention, I could pretend that everything was okay. But let me tell you, when I woke up the next day with the hangover, shakes, and anxiety that always followed a night of binge drinking–I didn’t have a lot of nice things to say to myself.

I quit drinking about 6 years after the first picture was taken–I don’t think it was a conscious choice at the time. I was just sick of the hangovers–it always took me two days to get over them. It’s a more conscious choice now especially as I get to know myself better.

I had worries when I was younger that I was an alcoholic, because when I drank it was usually to get drunk, but I would never get to the falling down or slurring my words drunk, so I thought it was okay. I could also go days and weeks without drinking in between the parties, socials, and going to the bar. But I could count on one hand (maybe half a hand) how many times I was in a social situation without a drink in my hand. At the time this picture was taken, I had just split up for another “loser” who I wasn’t even attracted to but he was willing to go out with me so I went out with him. I needed to be validated by a man in my life–no man at the time so…no value or validation from me. I remember that I was at my best friend’s wedding social and there were no single men there–in a very small town outside Dauphin during a pouring rainstorm. If there was a single guy there I probably would have thrown myself at him.

The second picture was taken a few years after leaving my ex. I didn’t drink any longer but now had a new addiction–food. I am still in the addiction phase, but at least I’m more easily able to accept the fact of addiction. This period of time was a very difficult period of time as I was still struggling with my “identity”, I had periods of depression and anxiety and needed my family and the few friends I had to validate me. I didn’t feel attractive enough to even put myself out there for a man–there was no way a man would even want me.

I’m not saying all this to be depressing. The fact of the matter is it’s mostly good news…The picture of me at the top of the blog is, as I said, my one of my most recent pictures. I like the picture because I think it shows what I really look like and I think I look pretty happy. That’s because, a lot of the time, I am. I obviously have a long ways to go–but then I started about ten blocks back to begin with it seems. I still need validation from outside of myself from my friends, bosses, but the difference is I also get a lot of validation from myself!

Just one more reminder of how far I’ve come!A quote I heard this week from one of our ministers. I love it!

We don’t need to bring It to us–we need to bring us to It.
– Rev. Pat Zogar

How true–and I’m bring myself to It. That’s a part of what this blog is about–living/creating my best life and getting closer to Spirit in the process.
I’ll share Epiphany #2 when I get a chance.

In gratitude.

C.